There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
