It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
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