OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
