My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
