Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
