This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
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