all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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