That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
