ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
