You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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