giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
