she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize