She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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