I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
