clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
