you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
