btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize
