cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
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