she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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