she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
We had sex on a dog bed..
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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