He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Randomize