Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
People with herpes should wear stickers.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Randomize
