just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
