No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
