Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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