How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
