Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Your penis caused this!
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