I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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