No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
