we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
Dignity is for republicans.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
