There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
