he shaved USA in his pubs
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
