God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
