oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
