On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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