Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
People in love make me want to vomit
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
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