Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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