I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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