Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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