Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Randomize
