The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
