So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
Randomize
