My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
