Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Randomize
