I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
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