I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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