i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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