Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Randomize
