I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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