We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
