I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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