The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Randomize
