cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
