His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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