just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
