Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
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