I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
