God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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