I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize