He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
