stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
