Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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