I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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