when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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