I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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