Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Randomize
