I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
